A Creative Essay by Emma Dean
As I sit at my computer, midway through a Zoom psychology session, I realise something...
This is the first time I have slowed down enough to feel all the things I have been needing so desperately to feel and work through. Things I have pushed deep down into the pit of my stomach and cemented over with a busy schedule, wine, constant movement and big ideas. This is the first time I have been forced into stillness, allowing my residue to bubble up and for me to look directly at the beautiful gunky mess laid out before me.
And it is beautiful, you know. In all its icky, stinky, messiness – it is still a part of me.
Emerging from the gunky residue is a warrior woman, a protector, who takes no shit. She knows how to implement boundaries. She is great at direct communication. She is bold and fierce when she needs to be. She gives no fucks what anyone thinks.
Also emerging from the gunk is a soft, gentle mother. A kind-hearted nurturer who serves others with so much love and care. She cares deeply what people think of her. She is sensitive, self-sacrificing, and never wants to step out of line.
As I begin to learn more about these two parts of me, I realise who I want to be – who I truly am - is somewhere in-between them.
A merging of the emerging.
I have to rupture the version of myself I know best - the safe version - to get to know the new me. And to do this, I have to get messy.
I am in the beautiful mess as I type this. It is exactly where I need to be.
Sloppin’ around in the gunk.
Emma Dean is a Brisbane/Meanjin-based creative coach, musician, writer, composer, arranger, dreamer and choir mama.