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Two For The Price Of One

26/7/2022

24 Comments

 
PicturePicture of Emma & Lucas' twins from 7-week scan.
A creative essay by Emma Dean

​Ok. So I have to admit, in the weeks leading up to our 7-week scan I had been googling images of what our Blob would look like. I’d read articles about what to expect – that it might be too early to detect a heartbeat; that you might see the heartbeat but not hear it; that you might hear it like a freakin’ steam train ploughing through the doctor’s office. The answers were so diverse and at the end of every single article it was stressed: NOT TO WORRY.

Whoever wrote this shit clearly had not struggled with infertility.

You see, for those of us who know the rollercoaster of In Vitro Fertilization, it is not as easy as having pleasurable sex to make another baby should, Goddess forbid, this one not survive. The process of even getting to this point was over two years in the making…and that’s nothing compared to the many IVF warriors who endure ‘pin cushion’ status for several years at a time.

So there I was. 38 years old. 7 weeks pregnant. For the first time in my life.

The ritual began. A ritual I knew SO well after over a year of IVF as well as investigatory appointments for years before that!

Dr Kroon drew the curtain. I took off my sandals, dropped my undies and scrunched them in a ball placing them unhygienically under my shoes out of sight (to this day I still don’t know where I was expected to put them!) I sat on the examination table, leaned back and boldly spread my legs.

That morning I had neatened my pubic hair, as always, so Dr Kroon would more easily be able to navigate my usually unkept bush as he inserted ‘Wanda’ the ultrasound condomed lubed-up dildo inside me. 

As Wanda entered, somewhat romantically (you’re a sweetheart Wanda), I suddenly saw an image on the screen of what looked like blobs. Then there was a moment when the world seemed to stop where we could distinctly hear a heart.

Could this actually be it? Could I have a real, living, baby inside me?

“Here’s  the heartbeat! It’s perfect”, Dr Kroon exclaimed.

There were so many moments during our journey when I wondered if we would ever experience this miracle. But today, somehow, this miracle was ours to cherish. No matter what happened next, no one would EVER be able to take this experience away from us.

“Oh my god” was the only thing I could say. Twenty-seven times according to the video (Lucas' Dad counted!). Over and over like a broken record. The relief. The joy. And still…a tinge of disbelief and skepticism. How could something so small create something so big? A steam train. We got the steam train experience!!!

Just as we calmed down, Dr Kroon dropped a bombshell.

“And now… here’s the SECOND heartbeat.”

WHAT!?!?!

In the video we watched back later, you can hear me mumble under my breath, ”Oh shit”. Then tears welled and spilled and we realised…we were having twins.

It is amazing what hope can do. It is often the one thing that keeps you going, moving towards the thing you want, no matter how painful it can be to try and fail and try and fail and try and fail again. But hope. Simple hope. When held gently by you and those around you has an unquantifiable power. It is the one thing, apart from sheer stubbornness and a bucket load of love, that led us to this moment.

In Dr Kroon’s office.

Leg’s spread wide.

Wanda inside.

Realising, quite literally, we got two for the price of one.
 
THE END.

24 Comments
Emma B
26/7/2022 10:22:54 am

I’m so so happy for you that you got something you wanted so badly! Can’t wait to meet the little blobbies!

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Emma Dean link
26/7/2022 10:40:06 am

Awww Em, thank you so much! I can't wait for the Blobbies to meet you too. Bring it on! xoxox

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Vanessa
26/7/2022 11:16:13 am

Oh Emma Dean, you beautiful, extraordinary unicorn. This made me cry and took me back to my own 7 week ultrasound. Only one little heartbeat for me, but it was the most beautiful sound I'd everheard before that day. You have captured the experience of IVF mums (and dads) perfectly. This is absolutely what happens, and I too gromed and hid my knickers - embarrassed, awkward and not knowing what to do with them😳 😆.

I know many women experience anxiety during pregnancy, but for those of us who battle infertility, and failed cycle after failed cycle; it's one of many intensely anxious moments throughout our pregnancies we find ourselves holding our breath, bracing for the worst, hoping though that all will be well with our ever longed for, and deeply loved babies, before it's safe to exhale.

I am beyond delighted and excited for you, Lucas, Charlie and your families, and wait in breathless anticipation of news of the arrival of your gorgeous baby unicorns. Much love to you will.

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:52:59 am

This message means so much, Vanessa. Thank you so much for sharing part of your own story with me here. You get it. Much much love. x

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Nicole
26/7/2022 11:17:13 am

Fun post. So happy for you. Only thing better than one is more than one 👏👏❤️❤️❤️. Thank you for sharing.

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:53:28 am

Awww thank you, Nicole xo

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Betty
26/7/2022 11:34:48 am

Oh Wanda, I remember you well 🙃

This was such an uplifting thing to read and I’m still so happy for you ❤️❤️❤️

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:53:54 am

Good ol' Wanda. Ha ha! Thank you so much, Betty xo

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Jenna Robertson link
26/7/2022 11:47:39 am

Oh Wanda and Dr Kroon!! Emma your beautiful storytelling brings us so beautifully into this unforgettable moment in your life! What an amazing moment for you and Lucas!

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:54:43 am

Thank you for encouraging me and helping me reignite the spark, Jenna. I will be forever grateful. So so so much love and gratitude. xo

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Mike Compeau
26/7/2022 12:02:07 pm

OMG!!!
You had me going from uncomfortable laughing to crying in 4 seconds!
I'm so so pleased to hear of this victory for your family!! ❤️❤️❤️
What a beautiful little story!
Sending tons of love and rainbows to you and that sparkling new growing family!
🌈❤️🌈❤️🌈😄🌈👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:55:20 am

Awww thank you so much Mike!!! xoxox

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Shelley Pisani
26/7/2022 05:34:27 pm

Oh Emma. I love this. So many of us IVF warrior women out there. Love hearing about your journey. Thank you for sharing it and opening up the conversation.

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:55:55 am

Beautiful Shelley. Thank YOU. x

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Kristie
26/7/2022 05:45:51 pm

Oh, Emma, I'm so glad your blobbies have stuck and are now viable bubbas even if they surprise you with their delivery date. After having a miscarriage I was absolutely terrified before our 7 week scan qnd held it together (just) when we heard our heartbeat. As soon as Dr Orford drew the curtain for me to get dressed I sobbed and sobbed with relief and happiness.

Even when you are covered in puke at 3am, it is so worth every dollar scent. Lilliana was our $32000 baby, not including hospital costs when she was delivered or any of the tests done before hand. Love her so much words can not describe.

Enjoy the journey!

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:58:29 am

I am so SO happy for you Kristie. Best $32000 you ever spent, I bet. : ) How special. What a long, tough journey it must've been for you and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you so much love. x

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Katherine
26/7/2022 05:52:41 pm

Oh Emma - this is such beautiful writing. Like one of the comments above I also had tears reading it. I can't believe that your way with the written word is as gorgeous as your way with the sung word.

You and Lucas are going to be the most wonderful parents. Your blobbies picked well.

Can't wait to see some 24-week photos!

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 08:59:42 am

Thank you SO much beautiful Katherine.
The Blobbies have certainly grown from 'tiny teddy' status to 'tiny human' status. The 24 weeks scans were just unreal! Technology is amazing! So much love to you. x

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Amanda
26/7/2022 06:20:49 pm

I loved reading that! Also your description of beloved Wanda (hilarious!). Oh and I think your supposed to put your undies on top of you shoes but under your pants 😉 (seriously why can’t they just have a chair or something!!!).

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 09:00:27 am

DAMN! Is THAT what you're meant to do? HAHA!
It's sooo awkward isn't it. I'm glad I'm not alone in the awkward undies club. ; ) Big love xox

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Clare
26/7/2022 07:54:37 pm

This makes me smile so much! The feelings you describe all resonate with me - hope kept us going through seemingly endless trying and failing until finally it was our turn to experience the joy of our baby's heartbeat (I believe I said "f*" to Dr Kroon when it happened!). Also, just while we're talking about it - I scrunch up my undies behind my back when I lie down. So elegant! ;)

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Emma Dean link
27/7/2022 09:01:10 am

OMG I LOVE THIS! I'm learning so much about UNDIES today. Thank you Clare. Much much love. xo

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katie
28/7/2022 03:38:28 am

so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so happy for you gorgeous woman... I knew when I first met him Feb 2020 that you two were the ONE.... and now you 2 become FOUR. so good. I have a lot of amazing muso mummas of twins to give you love and support when you need or not.... - just lemme now x SO fucking happppppy for you. You will be the most magnificent mum.

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Claire
29/7/2022 04:46:09 pm

I’m so excited to hear your news. I also got two for the price of one. I was 36 years old and at the 7 week scan the doctor said “There’s one little peanut and there’s another little peanut!” 23 years ago and my peanuts are now giant men who both just graduated uni and are off to explore the world. My best wishes to you for the future.

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    Emma Dean is a Brisbane/Meanjin-based creative coach, musician, writer, composer, arranger, dreamer and choir mama.

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